Entry 3: Hopeful

Here I am hopeful (2014). This is our second attempt to have a child, I'm not working. Trying to keep my stress at a minimum but we're still newlyweds and I'm hormonal, so guess what...it's a mess around the house. Ronnie is getting on my last nerves (I believe I got on his nerves too)! But once again, I didn't make it past my first trimester. It's actually worst this time because I wasn't working so I had so much time to think and I was thinking all kinds of crazy; ALL day. Pure ridiculousness!!!

I started having pity parties, feeling less than a woman somehow. Every time I would see someone else pregnant I was tore up inside. Looking at them, I mean they were all excited about having a baby; something I had longed to do. I was a hater, lol (the truth is freeing). I told the Lord; I attend church, I give my tithes and offering, I even attend mid week services. I volunteered to head several auxiliaries and this what I get in return, empty prayers? Rejection? No after no? And in my spirit He said, "and" yep, He said "and", like whoopee you did something (I'm shaking my head). "You were doing what you were supposed to be doing because it was right, hopefully NOT to get something from Me." I'm rolling my eyes...seriously.

It was in that moment that I accepted what I knew to be true for years. I can't work my way into a blessing. I mean I knew that, but sub consciously I was hoping, desperately thinking that if I just did this or that, that it would move the Lord. NOPE! All I needed to do was believe...just have childlike faith.

So, I was on a quest to find another job to get this pregnancy stuff off my mind. I mean it was better than thinking about myself all day and having a pity party. I know all about those...why me, why now, why this way, why, why, why? Just whining!!! I didn't realize at the time that the Lord was teaching me to wait on Him and His timing. I despised His tactics, but over time it proved to worked for me.

Stay connected to this blog, next weeks title is "Growing Weary"...#spb

#shanesepbrown #Pregnancyafter45 #faith #hope #obedience #doubt #naysayers