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Entry 5: Tapped Out

Updated: Mar 3, 2020

Late November 2015, I accepted the call (challenge) to head the women's ministry. So in my mind, I thought this would be plenty to do and it would take my mind off myself and I could focus on helping others for a change. I mean, I wouldn't have time to be throwing pity parties, instead I'd be planning outings and retreats. Well, it worked for a little while because I didn't get pregnant until nine months later. I was really scared to talk about being pregnant by now because this would be me and Ronnie's fourth try at getting pregnant. I was so nervous, everything in me was trying to keep it together but if you saw me, I was a happy camper and everything was going well. Ha.

November 2016, I was sitting in church and something just didn't seem right. I eased out of service and snuck into the bathroom and guess what, yes blood. I hadn't even gotten past my first trimester, AGAIN!!!! Here we go back around this freaking mountain. Talk about being tapped out, it's really an understatement. I was done; D...O...N...E...done! I didn't want to hear the word baby period. I promise if someone even said baby it made me cringe. I didn't want to see babies, I didn't want to see pregnant women; NOTHING. I'm telling the truth, I was tapped out. I had nothing left in me that wanted anything to do with having children even though I already had four (rolling my eyes).

Early 2018, I began to come to grips with the fact that I may not have any more children and stop hating on people who could (lol). Stop being a Christian who was a hater; that doesn't even sound right. And I was a little selfish too, just a little (shaking my head). But I started being content and not bitter. I also started focusing on other things I had longed to do besides have another child. Like finish writing a book that I had started working on years ago (my first book was published November 2018 and "Doing the Christian Life" was launched). Things really can get done when your focus isn't misplaced. I was focused on what God could do for me and not on how I could help in ministry, do for others, and not just sit around feeling sorry for myself because I couldn't have another child.

I do realize now that all these stages were necessary and preparation for a greater need other than my own. It's beautiful how God can take our weaknesses, brokenness, and insecurities and use them as a ministering tool.


Next week is really interesting, you don't want to miss it! Share this blog with a friend and meet me back here.

Stay connected to this blog, next weeks title is "WOW"...#spb

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1 Comment

Latonya Adams
Latonya Adams
Feb 25, 2020

Yes ma'am, I'm a believer God's power is made perfect in glad you pushed through.

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