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Entry 4: Growing Weary

Updated: Mar 3, 2020

Okay, here it is early 2015 and I have been back to work for about a month now and guess what, I'm pregnant!

I'm super excited and on cloud nine, lol. But surely you have guessed it by now, yes another miscarriage. This makes number three. I'm trying to use the fact that I'm back at work to help buffer the pain but it had proven to be even more difficult. Now I'm having to pretend that everything is okay not just at home but at work too; put on the "strong Christian" persona. I had thought of myself as a strong Christian but during that time I had begun to doubt a lot of things about myself. My ability to carry another child, being the wife Ronnie longed for (someone to give him a child), I mean, was I really the Christian that I proclaimed to be? I even tried to pull a Sarai, you know help God out. I was desperate, I knew someone who had taken some pills to help them produce eggs, they asked me if I wanted some of theirs (did they really ask me that). Duh, of course I wanted some and yes I took a couple of them. But I was also convicted by the Holy Spirit. What happened to me trusting the Lord? Believing that at the appointed time for me things will happen. You see when a person is desperate, they become reckless, they have little or no hope, they become extreme and do shocking things. That was me, willing to try and help God out. As we all know, God doesn't need our help to do anything. In fact, if we don't cry out to Him, He will make the rocks cry out. He doesn't need us, we need Him. We were made to depend on Him for everything we want from Him, including a child (rolling my eyes).

So, I've decided not to be weary in well doing. Meaning that, I'm not gonna stress all out because I haven't been able to carry a child past my first trimester. I'm gonna trust that God has my best interest at heart and He knows exactly what He is doing. By the way, this is one of the most difficult things to do, have joy in the waiting. It is a learned behavior, something done on purpose, intentionally. Meditated on...shaking my head. Lol, it may seem overrated, but it is well worth it!

Before ending this blog, I would like to thank my husband Ronnie for being my second rock (the Lord is my first rock). He is so understanding and has been loving and kind to me through this entire process. I thank the Lord for giving me what I needed in a man even when I had no idea what it was I needed. Kisses!

Stay connected to this blog, next weeks title is "Tapped Out"...#spb

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shanese p. brown
shanese p. brown
Feb 18, 2020

A member of the website inboxed this question, “U mentioned about the pills and then saying it conflicted with your faith. How do we know when things come into our space if it is God’s way of testing our faith or delivering answers to our prayers??” My response: In reference to the statement above about the pills. God never told me to take those pills, it was never put in my spirit, at all, until someone asked me about. That was the first time that seed was planted and I took it hook, line and sinker because I was desperate. The Lord will lead and guide us every step of the way, if we let Him. The real answer to th…

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